Here is where I will really reveal the true me. I will pour out my feelings, good bad or ugly for all to read.
APRIL 30, 2005
What a week it has been. I have been so super stressed and depressed this week. Between work and the kids
and just life in general. Sometimes I just want to give up and give in to the depression. Sometimes I think it
would be better than living through so much shit everyday. Tomorrow we have to go up north because Tony's mom is not
doing well. Secretly I am glad we have to go because then I can bring the kids to mom and dad's and get a break from
them. That sounds awful but it is true. I work over-night shifts, so I work when everyone else sleeps. Then
I come home and have to deal with life during the day and take care of everything and everyone while I am exhausted and then
work at night again. It is a neverending cycle of maddness. I guess that is enough crabbing for today.
May 2, 2005
I work again tonight. Yesterday we visited my mother in law at the nursing home she lives at. They give her
a few weeks at most to live. I am really struggling with my depression today. My stress and anxiety level is maxxed
out. I have cut at least 12 times today and it is only mid afternoon at the time that I am writing this. I have
been super suicidal these last couple days. I just feel like it is neverending and will never get better. It is
wierd, but it is almost like I cant even see any color in anything. Everything is so drab and lifeless.
May 6, 2005
I WANT TO F***ING KILL MYSELF!!!! I think it is a cruel joke to be alive when all you have to look forward to 24/7
is misery, stress, and despair. I am so stressed out. My kids are horrible. If I say go left they go right.
I tell them not to play with something, my husband lets them do it and then they break things. I just cant handle it
anymore. Work is so stressful. They have been throwing me on units that I have never worked on and expect me to
do twice as much work with no help and not knowing what the hell I am supposed to do. I work again tonight and this
weekend. If it keeps like this I am going to f***ing quit. I WANT TO DIE!!!!!! I WANT TO CUT AND CUT AND CUT TILL
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT!!!! I WANT TO CUT OUT MY HEART AND SOUL!!!!
August 8, 2005
I think HELL would be paradise to live in compared to what is going on now. Between my husband being and asshole
to me and my kids not listening to a word I say and doing everything opposite what I ask...and work lets not even go there...I
am at the end of my rope and I am GONNA FUCKING HANG MYSELF WITH IT!!!!! I have a note written and everything...just
gotta do it. Everyone will be better off then. Anyway thats what is going on now. I have been cutting so
much. I JUST WANT TO CUT AWAY THE PAIN. CUT UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO CUT!!!!
August 16, 2005
So far it hasnt been to bad a week. Course it is only Tuesday..there is still alot of the week left. I have
the flu which sucks kinda. But I have been checking into the earth based religion of Wicca. Since I have been
getting into that I havent cut...which has been over 8 days which is good for me. Anyway I will keep posting.
August 28, 2005
It has been quite a week to say the least. Next week proves to be the same. I have been
struggling with the depression and cutting again.....my eating disorder is becoming all consuming again....my bipolar
is at its high manic phase....the meds arent helping and I havent slept in 3 days straight....I feel like I am losing my mind
and I feel like I am going crazy!!!!
September 11, 2005
FAT! FAT! FAT!!! I am such a fat
ugly disgusting blob of horrible disgutingness. I just want to DIE!!!!! I cannot belive what a fucking disgusting
ugly fat pig loser I am. No food tomorrow!!!!!
September 15, 2005
What the hell is wrong with me? Today I found out that a friend of mine killed herself.
When I was 15 my best friend and only friend at the time killed herself too....am I that horrible to be a friend of that people
have to kill themselves? I cannot begin to describe how depressed I am. I am a fat ugly loser with nothing to
offer anyone...my therapist keeps saying you gotta give up cutting you gotta give up your eds..what the fuck does he know?
Give them up and do what? Dissappear? I cannot take anymore....I am so depressed that I feel numb. I have had
to cut just to feel something...that is awful I know...deep down I know that I have to get better, but it is so damn hard...if
I didnt have my daughters...I wouldnt be here now thats for sure....I am not advocating outting yourself, but that is just
the hell that I am in at the time.
September 19, 2005
I feel so depressed today that I feel just numb. Like I dont feel anything. Its like
I have to cut just to know that I am alive. It is like everything looks so drab and subdued.....no color to anything.
No life to anything.
September 24,2005
On Wednesday the 22nd there were many things that happened and I felt that I couldnt get any lower
than I was...so I was surfing the net and I went to some Christian sites and I became a believer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am now a Christian!!!!!! I know that Jesus died for me and that I am loved no matter what I look like on the outside
or what other people think of me....God loves me just the way that I am!!!!! Thank makes me feel good especially when I feel
that no one loves me or cares...He does and will!!!!!
